Sometimes I feel

such an inconsolable emptiness,
such an inescapable sadness,
such an inexplicable loneliness.

It consumes me,
distorts me,
damages me.

It’s killing me.

And no-one seems to notice.
No-one really, truly, honestly ask how I am.
It’s such a phoned-in question that people don’t actually care to hear an answer.
It’s an easy, sociable question for them to ask.
They don’t want to hear the truth.
They just can’t wait for their turn to speak.

I’m fighting
a losing battle.

I’ve lost myself.
Don’t even recognise myself when I look in the mirror.
This isn’t the face you used to see
Is what I remind myself with every day.
Those aren’t your eyes
I think every morning
They used to have a spark in them…
…life in them.
But not today.
Not today,
yesterday
or tomorrow.

I wish I could speak to you.
YOU, reading this right now.
I wish you could hear my words.
I wish I could tell you
how much of a beautiful human being you all are.
How I wish I could be like you.
How much I miss feeling even the slightest bit happy.
How cheated and betrayed I feel by whoever or whatever made this universe.

I think about the problems of others.
Third World.
And think how pathetic I am in comparison.
Keep reminding myself depression is a relative thing.
Keep getting told the same thing.
But I can’t help it.
Try to avoid the headlines.
Radio, TV and papers.
My faith in this world hangs by a thread.
Don’t need any motivation to lose all of it.

Don’t know what I’m doing.
Don’t know why I’m writing this.
Half-tempted to just delete it all,
put on the sarcastic funny-man face
pretend it’s all okay
for you.

This thing will claim me.
Might as well accept inevitability.

Don’t even know how many of you will bother reading.
Let alone say something.

So long.

Advertisement