Sometimes I feel

Posted by Richard on

such an inconsolable emptiness,
such an inescapable sadness,
such an inexplicable loneliness.

It consumes me,
distorts me,
damages me.

It’s killing me.

And no-one seems to notice.
No-one really, truly, honestly ask how I am.
It’s such a phoned-in question that people don’t actually care to hear an answer.
It’s an easy, sociable question for them to ask.
They don’t want to hear the truth.
They just can’t wait for their turn to speak.

I’m fighting
a losing battle.

I’ve lost myself.
Don’t even recognise myself when I look in the mirror.
This isn’t the face you used to see
Is what I remind myself with every day.
Those aren’t your eyes
I think every morning
They used to have a spark in them…
…life in them.
But not today.
Not today,
yesterday
or tomorrow.

I wish I could speak to you.
YOU, reading this right now.
I wish you could hear my words.
I wish I could tell you
how much of a beautiful human being you all are.
How I wish I could be like you.
How much I miss feeling even the slightest bit happy.
How cheated and betrayed I feel by whoever or whatever made this universe.

I think about the problems of others.
Third World.
And think how pathetic I am in comparison.
Keep reminding myself depression is a relative thing.
Keep getting told the same thing.
But I can’t help it.
Try to avoid the headlines.
Radio, TV and papers.
My faith in this world hangs by a thread.
Don’t need any motivation to lose all of it.

Don’t know what I’m doing.
Don’t know why I’m writing this.
Half-tempted to just delete it all,
put on the sarcastic funny-man face
pretend it’s all okay
for you.

This thing will claim me.
Might as well accept inevitability.

Don’t even know how many of you will bother reading.
Let alone say something.

So long.

Fight The Sky – a review

Posted by Richard on

So, a few of you may have been subjected to me yelling “BUY BOOK, IT’S MY FRIEND’S AND SHE PROPER GOOD AT WRITIN’!”. If you haven’t taken up my eloquent suggestion, here’s a review to help sway your minds (and make Sinead love me for plugging her all over my blog :D – everyone has an ulterior motive, remember that ;) )

Fully endorsed by this blog and it’s owner.

FIGHT THE SKY – Short Stories by Sinead Kent.
Available at all good online retailers, such as Amazon, WH Smith, Waterstone’s, LuLu and Play. Also, why not try the free sample on Sinead’s website?

Onwards!

First of all, if you’re looking for a happy-go-lucky read, this isn’t it. Unless you plan on just reading “A Carrot Seeking Freedom”, that is.

There is a great sense of sadness to nearly every tale in this collection, be it from the portrait artist who no longer paints lies and loses his custom, the burned out, nigh-on-suicidal private eye Rusty Halo, the absolutely heartbreaking loss in ‘Only Mine’ or Sparrow, the lonely caretaker of a circus. Each character comes alive with the emotional baggage they carry.

This isn’t to say the book is all doom and gloom though, there’s the somewhat darkly comic Eyebridge (at least I found the young policeman’s over-active imagination a tiny bit amusing), the success of Vortigern Jones and his associates in a less than reputable business and even Sam’s final escape in Never Seen The Sky go to show that this author can be a little more humane with her characters, allowing them small victories in the ever growing symphony of bad luck.

Content aside, the author also shows a well versed lexicon which she uses to weave these tales together, seamlessly; her description, full of striking detail, really pulls you in to believing each word you read.

A wonderfully talented young lady has shared her imagination with us and I for one am truly grateful of it! I look forward to reading more of Rusty’s adventures when her follow up, “Doors” is released upon us.

Keep an eye out for the name Sinead Kent, at the moment it sits between Aldous Huxley and Ken Kesey on my bookshelf and it looks quite comfortable right there and I am pretty certain it won’t be the only book Sinead Kent book there in due time.

So go forth, readers, and take a chance with my greatly talented friend, you’ll not regret it. Support her writing, and give her a little money for it too. ;)

Peace off!

So, 2012

Posted by Richard on

who is going to own who, this time ’round?

I’ve had a good long think about this post, which is something I don’t usually do; posts usually being a spur of the moment kind of thing. But since it’s a new year and everyone’s making false promises and hollow resolutions they know they’ll stick to for a couple of weeks, I thought I’d join the party.

This is by no means a list of things I’ll actually, positively, definitely achieve, more-so a list of actions I would ideally like to see occur in the future, in order to see a better me, a healthier and maybe even happier me. God knows trying to do some of these things will be hard enough for any person, let alone someone struck down with depression. But here goes.

The first one is always the big one.


Yup. We’ve been here before haven’t we?
I have most definitely quit smoking more times than the average smoker, I mean, some of them only quit once? Pssh, that’s nothing!
Now, not only would I like to see myself rid of this horrible addiction for the health benefits it’d bring but every time I have a smoke or buy some new ones a little voice in the back of my mind is reminding me of that day I calculated that by quitting I would save over £1000 a year. An extra grand in the pocket and being able to breathe, run for a bus and all other things is surely enough motivation*, right?

(*we’ll get back to that word later)


Healthy eating.
The thing about smoking is, I don’t feel like eating something healthy because there’s something about smoking that makes me much prefer junk food, it’s a nasty little cycle and in order to beat one I’m going to have to kick the shit out of the other too, at the same time. I have the necessary food at my disposal, but yet again require that little bastard, motivation, to get me past the seemingly insurmountable wall of No.


Get fit!
Again, this is inextricably linked to the above two that it makes building up the energy to get started all the more impossible. I have dumbbells, I have a dog I could walk more often. I just need clearer lungs and a healthier diet to get this moveable beast underway.


Another “big one”, you might say.
All of the above are a massive drain on my will to live. Sapping the very energy out of me to even drag myself out of bed of a morning, welcoming sleep every night with a great anxiety towards waking up the next day. No job = no routine = shapeless mess = smoking lots out of boredom = all of the above.
I’m not under-qualified, I’m not stupid, I’m not under-experienced. Why no picky motherfucker will give me a job is beyond me.

Also, maybe a little less


and a little more


which could lead to a little more


I think it was Stephen King who said “If you don’t have time to read, you don’t have the time, or the tools, to write.” And how correct he is!
Although having just received 5 new games for Christmas, this particular distribution of time and attention could prove tasking…

And on top of all that, the wonderful Bex suggested I start each day with a happy thought. An interesting idea, and not one I am too sure I can fulfil, but it’s worth a shot, none-the-less. It’s just that whenever I do think of something happy, I instantly remind myself of how awful I actually am so it all backfires. We’ll see how that one goes.

For now readers, I wish you a happy new year, and all the best.

Peace off!

I found Jesus

Posted by Richard on

he was under the Christmas tree.

Seasons greetings, readers. And how has your holiday been thus far?
Mine?
Well, after a mild cold and a nasty case of food poisioning I’m soldiering on, with some lovely new, shiny things too.

First of, awesome slippers.

New books!




^This will no doubt keep me very busy…

 

An awesome calendar!

Some new inductees to the wall of, uhhh, WALL·E.

And, lastly, five extra reasons/excuses not to have a social life.


Skyrim alone would cause that, but these other four too? On top of Batman Arkham City, Deus Ex Human Revolution and Mass Effect 1 & 2… well…

Food poisoning is definitely something I wouldn’t want to experience again any time soon. My sleep pattern is still trying desperately to recover from the delirium-inducing mindfuck I was subjected to for nearly three days amongst much more physical symptoms and I still haven’t quite felt myself. But saying that, I haven’t really felt myself for nearly four years… but that’s just getting pinickity now.

Also, here’s a Christmas Roxydog for your troubles.

Merry Christmas, followers.

Peace off!

Courage

Posted by Richard on

the cowardly lion human.

I really wish I had it in me to tell my mother exactly what is going on. I wish I had the strength, the fight in me, to just have it out and tell her everything. The reasons why I don’t get up in the morning, how I don’t see a point to, how I don’t feel like I have a reason to. But I can’t. And every time I sleep too much she goes and makes it worse by pointing it out and going off on a “I could have slept in but I don’t!” tangent and let me tell you, guilt tripping a person suffering with depression, you might have well hand them a noose while you’re at it too.

I can’t tell her though. I can’t tell any of my family what I’m really feeling or going through. They would just panic and worry too much even though I could try and reassure them endlessly that I’ve still got a grip on sanity and won’t do anything stupid.
I. Will. Beat. This.
In my own time.
They can’t throw a catalyst into the mix. Only I can do this.

If you ever feel alone and powerless to do anything in your life, just be thankful you don’t have this. You have no idea just how much of an advantage you have. This is entirely contextual of course, there’s always going to be people better off and indeed worse off than one’s self. But for now, just keep that in mind, friends.

Peace off.

Birthday shenanigans

Posted by Richard on

Man, what happened to my weekend? One minute I’m plain sober on a Friday morning, next think I know it’s Sunday.

Good times.

It was great seeing Adam, Nat and Dave again. The latter two I haven’t been in the company of for nearly two years! :( Nigel was out too, good to see him and catch up on things. Everyone else flaked out like the slimy little toads there are, bar Kent, who actually had an excuse.

Dave bought me the greatest present ever. It’s a USB-powered desktop guard in the form of Yoda – complete with light and sound effects. I’ll post a picture or two up when I can be bothered, maybe even a video too.

Still kinda recovering from the pretty heavy drinking that was had. Although unlike last year I wasn’t AS abusive towards the taxi driver who demanded we pay before we even go any where.

Also, if you haven’t already done so, I implore you to play:

Peace off!

Could It Be?

Posted by Richard on

I almost don’t want to post this. Based in some form of subconscious fear of jinxing my position since every time I do talk about positive things they all seem to fall apart within days of sharing them. But here goes anyway…

I have had an excellent week.

Let me say that again, since I’m pretty sure you didn’t hear me the first time, I know I didn’t.

I have had an excellent week.

It began last Wednesday when I woke up at 4am and within 90 minutes I decided I’d talk the dog for a walk, a looonnnggg walk which lasted nearly an hour, and was all fired up to take the day by storm, applying to jobs left, right and centre, showing the JobCentre a thing or two (despite the 70 minute wait because they cocked things up…) and generally feeling awe-some. That’s right. Awe-some.
The week continued with my getting up by 7am or 8am at the latest – a rarity since the depression has had such a crippling grip on me and my usual wake up time was well in to the afternoon, letting alone actually getting out of bed – and taking the dog for the same hour long walk every day. When I couldn’t find the time or energy to do it in the morning I opted for the evenings instead, sometimes just plain forcing myself out of the front door because I kept telling myself to remember how great it felt to come home with a happy, panting doglet and that lovely feeling of a long, satisfying walk with her.
She’s happy, I’m happier.
And the other day I received an email about a job application, with an invitation to meet the employers today.
Basically, I’ve more or less got this job once the paperwork is out of the way. I feel THAT sure of it. And better yet is that we were told to forward as many people as possible to the vacancies since the company needs 200 employees so I’ve already told my brother and Damien who worked the festivals with me, and if you’re interested in doing steward and crowd safety work at sports events, concerts, festivals and even the Olympics next year with the NVQ 2 in Crowd Safety bought and paid for (otherwise costing £1200) then get in touch with UAspire Security Ltd who are based in Telford.
Now all I have to do is fill in the aforementioned paperwork and complete the course and I’ll be all ready to work as a steward. Pretty neat, eh?

In other news, my writing suddenly came back with a vengeance as I wrote nearly 7 sides of A4 after walking home from town the other day. Not to mention it isn’t actually finished yet, or anywhere near my scrutinised high standards, but it will be, and already it has found a home as part of a bigger plot.
It’s all coming together.
Patience is indeed a virtue.

So long for now, readers.

Peace off.

Winter Schminter!

Posted by Richard on

The Seasonal Affective Disorder is really getting its claws into me now. I am not looking forward to the next 3-4 months of the same old symptoms bought on the dreary, cold, dark days of these dead months. The only time of year my usually misanthropic attitude changes to wanting to have as many people around as possible (and no, it’s no festive spirit or anticipation over my birthday! :P ) is a-comin’.

I need to find something to focus on. A hobby. Pastime. Anything to take my mind away from the situation.
Any suggestions, readers?

See you on the other side!